2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 5

I know, I know, I missed a week. I messed up. I let you all down. It kills me inside to know that you didn't receive your weekly serotonin boost via your lovely commissioner's articulate takes on the FFFL. But worry not! I'm back! I'm alive! I'm well! I was not "taken care of" by the Coleman Fantasy Football Crime Syndicate!  

We're five weeks in and the FFFL is as tight as ever. No undefeated teams, no winless teams. Two high scoring pharmacists, one low-scoring pharmacist (sorry, Clint 😕). Two 2-3 McAdamses. Two 2-3 Hobbs/Doggses. The great news is that everyone I mentioned (and everyone I did not!!!) still have a shot at that trophy that Jiller refuses to ship to the west coast. Speaking of that trophy hoarder...

Who Won the Week?: Jill's Team

...she must've rubbed that trophy like a genie's lamp, cause Jiller went absolutely OTHERWORLDLY this week with her squad. Jill's Team blew up for the highest scoring total of the season, and was only 4 points behind the highest scoring total in FFFL history (for the historians in the chat, that honor belongs to one Ethan Blomberg, you know him well, who scored 188 points in Week 5 of the 2014 inaugural FFFL season). Looking down her roster, her only miss was on Stefon Diggs, who still gave her a NOT HORRIBLE 7.9 points. Otherwise, we've got total MAGIC across the board here... 

37 from Brady... HOUDINI!

25 from Ja'Marr... COPPERFIELD!

30 from Taylor... I

22 from Robinson.... DON'T

19 from Knox... KNOW

26 from Evans... ANY MORE FAMOUS MAGICIANS!!!!!!!!!!

Jill needed the big win, vaulting her squad up to 3rd place and the third highest cumulative scoring total on the season. The scary thing is... her optimal lineup, which would've included Hollywood Brown's 29 points left on the bench, would've been 200+ points for the first time in league history!!! Now, mother, go celebrate your big week with 29 straight days off of work, I'm sure your DAUNTING schedule allows for it. 

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: NO ONE!

I'll keep this one short and sweet because there were NO close matchups in Week 5! I believe that, for the first time since this award's existence, The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week, will go to no one! I think the Oscars should do this sometimes. Remember that year when they gave Best Picture to Green Book? If that's the best movie of the year, maybe just don't give an award to anyone? Wow, I truly love movies. Last night I watched a movie about a possessed, murderous child's doll named Annabelle. Why did I do that? 

Start of the Week: Jonathan Taylor, Jill's Team

I may have run out of famous magician references but I am NOT tired of talking about Jonathan Taylor! On the first drive of last week's MNF game, this dude (who's been preeeeeeeeetttttttttyyyy disappointing for a first round pick, am I wrong, Jiller?) took a screen pass 76 yards TO THE HOUSE. At this point, Jill's Team was already up by 490 points, but JT and JE both needed a game like this for their confidence. 

Dud of the Week: Stefon Diggs, Jill's Team 

OKAY I KNOW I WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT JILLER'S TEAM BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? IT WAS A HISTORIC WEEK FOR HER. NOW IF ONLY HER SECOND ROUND PICK WOULD START ACTING LIKE ONE. 

After finishing as last year's WR1 in fantasy, Stefon Diggs has yet to TRULY pop off this year. Sure, his lowest scoring total is 7.9, but that's UNACCEPTABLE from a second rounder. I hope he starts to feel the pressure from Hollywood Brown, who's gotta be nipping at his heels of Diggs' starting position by now. 

Jiller, do the genie's lamp thing on the trophy again, but this time, chant... 

STEFON

STEFON

STEFON

STEFON

...okay now I'm thinking about the seance in that scary movie again and I'm VERY FAR AWAY FROM MY MOTHER. 

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Connor's whole bench

Connor, as I present this award to you, I feel for you. I see the teardrop running down your cheek. I see the twinkle in your eye that says, "what on earth else was I supposed to do, Anthony?" And the honest answer is... nothing. You started the right people (the crowd starts cheering). You made the right calls (crowd's getting louder). YOU MADE THE TOUGH CALLS THAT FFFL MANAGERS MUST (THE CROWD IS ROARING)!!! YOU MADE YOUR FAMILY PROUD (THE CROWD ERUPTS INTO THE WAVE)!!!! 

But then a couple of your studs were just really, really bad (crowd goes silent....).

Saquon got hurt, so we can't be too mad at him, but 11 total points from Scary Terry and Hooked on a Thielen? 

THEY deserve this award, NOT you. Walk out of here with your HEAD HELD HIGH (*Connor jumps off the stage, crowd surfing as the stadium chants CONNOR'S CHOICE TEAM! CONNOR'S CHOICE TEAM! CONNOR'S CHOICE TEAM!*)

Waiver Claim of the Week: Darell Williams & Kadarius Toney, Icarus

Clint's not 1-4 due to lack of trying, as the dude continues to make solid waiver wire add after solid waiver wire add. This time, Icarus flew JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF DISTANCE AWAY FROM THE SUN, snagging new Chiefs RB1 Darell Williams and a super fun, productive rookie WR in Kadarius Toney. For good measure, Icarus even grabbed Devontae Booker, who will fill at for Saquon Barkley while he recovers from an ankle injury. Clint has made the most of a team that's been ravaged by injuries (his third round pick, Gus Edwards, tore his ACL before the season even began). I'm rootin for ya, and not just because I'm scared of your mafia family. 

💗

That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET.