2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 1

I moved into a new apartment recently. A one bedroom, one bathroom place of my own in Seattle's historic Capitol Hill neighborhood. The place is charming -- it's got original hardwood floors, huge light-flooding windows, and a retro pink bathtub straight outta the 50s. 

I've been having a blast decorating my new home, making it fully my own. I purchased some houseplants, got a brand new comforter, hung art and shelves on the walls. I even splurged on a new sofa -- it's freakin' VELVET. 

But as I was seemingly inching closer and closer to my apartment being fully me, I could feel there was one piece missing. I noticed a an empty space on one of my new shelves, about 10 inches by 10 inches, that was begging for a STATEMENT piece. A piece that was EARNED by its owner. A piece that's TALL and GOLDEN and ORNATE. 

Yes, I am describing the piece that's on your mind. And yes, despite my three-peat, the FFFL trophy has still yet to grace the hallowed halls that are my Seattle dwellings. BUT, before you ask why, allow me to let you in on a little secret... I don't want it here. Not having it here keeps me HUNGRY. Keeps me STRIVING FOR GREATNESS. Keeps me WRITING THESE RECAPS. 

If I were basking in that trophy's aura as I wrote this recap today, I'd be far too comfortable. Much too content. Overly complacent. 

So, no Jiller, don't ship me that trophy. Allow me to look deeply at that empty spot, gathering dust on my shelf, as my stomach rumbles for success... as my soul yearns to write you the best damn weekly writeup you've ever read...

LET'S GO!!!!!!

Who Won the Week?: Connor's Choice Team

First and foremost, let's all give a warm welcome to our newest FFFL member, Connor! Happy to have you, sir. You all may remember Connor as Miles's original plus-one to the annual Weenie Roast, back when the invite list was much more about your ability to run deep post routes in Gram and Coach's backyard than it was about GETTING MARRIED and MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY. Grow up, Miles, check your priorities, man.  

Anyway, Connor was up against a tall task in his first FFFL experience, as he found himself matched up against old pal and former backyard quarterback, Miles. A risky Dak Prescott draft pick paid off bigtime, as brought home 28 points during last Thursday's CLASSIC season-opener vs. Tampa. Adam Thielen also balled out, posting the second highest FLEX scoring total of the week with nearly 26 points. 

While the final score may have been "Close-Call" worthy, Miles was lucky to walk away from this one with such a thin margin, as Connor left two 20+ point, non-QB scorers on his bench. Watch out, ya'll, the FFFL rookie has the Eye of the Tiger.

P.S. I could've easily given this award to Jena, but I had to put the past behind me after the ABOSOLUTE TRAUMA she sent my way via three smack talk texts in one day. I had to take Tuesday off work in order to fully recover.   

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: Everyone BUT Jena!

This is unprecedented territory in the archives of the FFFL! With FIVE outta SIX matchups in Week 1 being decided by 6 points or less, our friends at Nair had their work cut out for them this go-around. WOW, HOW RUDE OF ME. WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? It seems as though I've forgotten to introduce our sponsor for Matchup of the Week award in 2021, Nair™!!!! The fine folks at Nair™ saw last year's "Close Call" award, and gave me a ring. I wasn't expecting this, but their pitch made a looooooooot of sense. "Why get a close call, when you could get the CLOSEST CALL with Nair™ bladeless shave products?" I was stumped! I simply had no answer! I had to try it for myself! My face truly burns as I'm typing this, but my shave IS LITERALLY THE CLOSEST! Big shoutout to Nair™ for the sponsor, the only catch is, I must include one Nair™ advertisement in each blog post and I must continue to shave with exclusively Nair™ bladeless products until an FFFL Champion is crowned. So, two things, you may see a photo for Nair™ products that seems completely out of place, and you may see extreme chafing on my cheekbones at some point in the 2021/22 FFFL season. 

But really, it was super dope to see a Week 1 that was so competitive across the board! Both Alan and Scott and Nathan and Clint's matchups were decided by less than 2 points each while Michael beat Mowdoggs by less than 3 points. 

The week's only easy win was by Jena, and I DON'T REALLY WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, SO...next award, please!

Start of the Week: Jameis Winston, Michael

Ultimately, a fantasy draft is a series of choices, each made with the idea of potential return-on-investment in mind. Now, when a fantasy draft occurs and these decisions are made under pressure, there's often a number of them that I instinctively, wholeheartedly respect and admire. Usually, waiting until the later rounds to draft a QB will earn praise from me. I was always more of a "take Jay Cutler in the 11th round" guy rather than a "splurge on Peyton in round 2" guy. But, there's waiting on a QB in 2021, then there's WAITING FOR JAMEIS WINSTON UNTIL THE THIRD TO LAST ROUND TO BE THE ONLY QUARTERBACK ON YOUR ENTIRE ROSTER in 2021. So BOLD, Michael, I cannot express to you how excited that made me!!!!!!!!!! 

Now, it'd be one thing if he took this risk and it didn't pay off, but Jameis must've eaten an XXXXL helping of crab legs on Sunday morning, cause dude came out and put up the 4th highest QB scoring total of the week, ahead of guys like Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Russell Wilson, and Tom Brady. Famous Jameis's 5 spikes spearheaded a big, albeit slim, week one victory over Mowdoggs, propelling Michael to first place and the week's highest team score.

What did you know? I know Uncle Scott has ties to Eastern Illinois -- was he secretly roomies with Sean Payton and he refuses to tell these stories to anyone but his future son-in-law? That must be it. 

Dud of the Week: The Packers offense (Aaron, Davante, & Aaron)

I know this is a league full of Bears fans, so writing this section of the summary was pretty dang fun. But good lord was the Packers offense an abomination on Sunday versus the Saints (SHOUT OUT JAMEIS AND MICHAEL AGAIN, YEET YEET!). Two of these Packers, Aaron Jones and Davante Adams, were both picked in the first round, by Kevin and yours truly, respectively. This duo of Green Bay first-rounders combined to score a whopping total of 11.3 points. Five rounds later, Mowdoggs snagged Aaron Rodgers as the sixth QB off the board. Add in his SCORCHING SUNDAY SCORE of 3.32, and the Packers starting skill players combined total sits at a ROBUST 14.6 fantasy points. Oh, yeah...the owners of each of these players ALL LOST THEIR MATCHUPS. Forget "Greatness," maybe that G stands for GAG!!!!!!!!!!!! Roasted you, Green Bay. 

Really, though, I will giggle profusely if the Packers went 0-17, but could they at least do it while scoring some gosh darn heckin' fantasy points?

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Gronk, Mowhobbs

*This entire next blurb is to be read as though I am staring down directly at my toes and am refusing to make direct eye contact with any of you because I am terribly, terribly ashamed of my week 1 performance*

JENA COULD HAVE BEATEN ME BY, LIKE, SO MUCH MORE, YOU GUYS. JUST IMAGINE, FOR ONE MOMENT, IF HER TWO WEAKEST STARTERS, TE ROBERT TONYAN AND FLEX JULIO JONES, WERE REPLACED BY GRONK AND ANTONIO BROWN. HER CURRENT 11 POINT VICTORY (WE WENT OVER THIS ALREADY, BUT YES, THE BIGGEST BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK) COULD HAVE BEEN A 52 POINT EMBARRASSMENT! 

Jena, I know I gooned you earlier about all that smack talk, but you 100% deserved every word of it! Can we all agree to channel Jena's energy and talk more s**t this year -- that's what fantasy football is for! Standings don't matter anymore -- the first one to make Miles cry wins the trophy!!!!!

Waiver Claim of the Week: Eli Mitchell, Arctic Chill

I don't want to talk about this a lot because I haven't started him yet and I spent a lot of money on this rookie and that makes me incredibly nervous so it would make me feel a lot better Eli if you'd just go out and score 20 points again this week but maybe this time you'll be in my starting lineup and I can be the one texting smack talk instead of receiving it but we shall see and you have no idea how much stress you're causing this family because Gram was an English teacher and now she's reading this massive run-on sentence and thinking her own grandson doesn't have any sense of grammar and JUST SCORE TOUCHDOWNS OR I'M TRADING YOU. 

💗

That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please feel free to leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future blog posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET ahead of tomorrow's BOREFEST of a Thursday night game!