Who Won the Week?: Mowhobbs
Y'all knew this was coming. Mowhobbs had already sealed their fate as the winner of the week following their Week 2 win over Miles, but Jena TWISTED THAT DAGGER a full 360 degrees with a SAVAGE, FIERCE, FEROCIOUS smack-talk text to the group chat, her second callout in as many weeks (I realize that is graphic imagery, but as the receiver of said Week 1 text, I stand by my description). Now, this wasn't any regular, old smack-talk. This text message had puns, emojis, a direct callout, and a reference to a late 1960s jam. I like to think this is how Shakespeare might shit-talk if he were in our fantasy league.
While there were a few wins this week by huge margins, Jena's win of this variety vaulted her into first place, sitting pretty at 2-0 with the frontrunner for MVP quarterbacking her squad. Also, when did Gronk get his mojo back? Maybe a full offseason in Tampa allowed him to settle in, find his favorite Hooters location, and really focus on football.
Nathan proposed a new weekly segment called "Jena's Jugular Jab of the Week," and the way her squad's been playing, we might just see that come to fruition. Watch out Alan, you're in the Mowhobbs crosshairs for Week 3.
The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: The McAdams Sibling Rivalry
We're only 2 weeks in, and Jiller may have to visit a shrink ASAP. In Week 1, she had to deal with the Canton Pharmacist Matchup, and in Week 2, it's the McAdams Sibling Rivalry Matchup. Heavy stuff, Jiller, NOW HOW'S THAT MAKE YOU FEEL???? While she may have narrowly escaped the Pill Counter Bowl with a victory, she didn't have quite the same luck in the Scottie-Otto 500, as Scott and Lamar Jackson (that flip was pretty sweet, eh?) came roaring back on Monday Night Football to squeak out a 6-point victory, our closest matchup of the week.
Hey Uncle Scott, do you shave your legs? Cause you just won a FREE 6-month supply of Nair™ Bladeless Shave Whipped Creme Lavender Oil Hair Remover!!!!!!!!!
Start of the Week: Derrick Henry & Aaron Jones, Mowdoggs & The UNIT
After combining to score a total of 12.4 fantasy points last week, this pair of first round RBs made like Dennis Rodman and rebounded in a HUGE way, combining for 83.2 points in Week 2. The result: two GARGANTUAN victories for their owners, as Mowdoggs won by 55 points and Kevin's The UNIT won by 77 points. These two teams may both be sitting at 1-1, but they're number one and two in total points scored this season, thanks to Henry and Jones.
This also gives us a fun little wrinkle to look forward to in the week ahead, as these two studs (and I ain't talkin' Derrick and Aaron 😉) are matched up against one another in Week 3. This one's got SHOOTOUT written all over it!
Dud of the Week: Jameis Winston, Michael, & Alvin Kamara, Miles
Remember all that nice stuff I said about Jameis Winston and Michael last week??? Well, I don't take back the stuff I said about Michael, cause you're a good dude and I don't want to get uninvited to your wedding, but Jameis, my compliments have been REVOKED. After you and your stud RB (do you think Kamara is the only NFL player to ever share a name with a chipmunk? ...I digress) throttled the Packers 38-3 last week, you come back and put up a lowly 7-burger on the Panthers? Jameis somewhat saved his fantasy day with a late rushing TD, bringing his total to 10.34 points. Meanwhile, last season's top-fantasy-points-scoring-player-that-isn't-a-quarterback touched the ball a baffling 9 times, turning them into 5 measly fantasy points. Maybe Kamara's leg hair is a bit too long, hindering his aerodynamics. Yo, Uncle Scott, small favor... maybe you can talk to Sean Payton about getting some Nair™ in the Saints locker room?
“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Hollywood Brown, Jiller
You came through for her BIGTIME in Week 1, so how did she treat you in Week 2, Hollywood? BENCHED FOR A ROOKIE, HOLLYWOOD???? That hurts, Hollywood. You don't deserve that, Hollywood. You deserve someone who LOVES YOU FOR ALL YOU ARE, Hollywood!!!!!!! Had Jiller played you over that rookie, she'd be sitting pretty at 2-0, HOLLYWOOD! Are you gonna STAND FOR THAT, Hollywood!?!?!? I don't wanna tell you have to live your life, Hollywood, but this "will they, won't they" crap you've got going on with Jiller is NOT HEALTHY, Hollywood. Your love language is "starting lineup," and she can't give you that, Hollywood. Request a trade, Hollywood! Maybe to Arctic Chill, Hollywood????
😜
Waiver Claim of the Week: Cordarrelle Patterson, Kevin
After some tough injuries to The UNIT's squad (thanks for nothing Raheem Mostert), Kevin was in dire need of some depth at both RB and WR. In a genius move that cost him $0 of FAAB money, he was able to snag Cordarrelle Patterson of the Falcons, who has positional eligibility at both receiver and running back. Patterson can slide nicely into that FLEX position or can fill in during bye weeks to Kevin's studs at multiple spots. While the OTHER Canton pharmacist made an impressive move of her own in nabbing JD McKissic for $17, the FREE nature of the Patterson claim pushes Kevin's move into awards status.
Looking ahead:
While I already mentioned that inevitable high-scoring affair between Kevin and Mowdoggs, there are a few highlight-worthy questions to ask when previewing Week 3:
1. Will Jena continue to go for the jugular against Alan?
2. Will parent (Jill) or child (Anthony) walk away victorious in our first parental matchup of the year?
3. Will Miles welcome Michael to the family by letting him win or with a swift ass-kicking?
We'll be out to find the answers to all these questions, AND MORE, next time, on FFFL!!!!!
That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please feel free to leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future blog posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET ahead of tonight's TNF game!
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