GREETINGS FINE FOLKS OF THE FAMILY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE! I am MORE THAN PLEASED to welcome you all back to the FFFL blog for our first of many season-long weekly updates written by yours truly (*commissioner curtsy*). I hope the following content makes you as PROUD TO KNOW ME as Kevin is PROUD TO DISPLAY HIS TROPHY.
The "Gram's Potato Salad" Delicious Lineup of the Week Award: Michael's Team, 155.9 points
What a year this man is having, are you KIDDING ME!?!? To kick things off, the man gets married in June at an absolutely stunning wedding (WELCOME TO DA FAMILY, MIKE!), then, mere hours later, there's a professional dancing duo at his wedding reception (has anyone figured out why those two dancers looked so much like Miles and Anthony, by the way? Just really strange, the resemblance was UNCANNY!)??? Then, just spoil Michael's 2022 even further, big bud comes out and drops a 155-burger on the FFFL, asserting his dominance by posing intimidatingly atop the league standings at the end of Week 1. NOBODY SHOULDA LET THIS MAN PLAY THIS SEASON, HE'S GOT TOO MUCH SWAGGER RIGHT NOW. In fact, I heard a rumor that he set his lineup while wearing the very tuxedo he was married in???
Anyway, we let Michael get away with snagging the hometown special connection of both Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce on his squad, who together combined for 61 fantasy points (the best QB-pass-catcher combo of W1). Rounding out his week was a 17 point performance from FLEX Jaylen Waddle and a combined 27 points from his kicker and D/ST duo.
Toss 'em all together and Big Mike dropped a ROBUST 155.9 fantasy points against Scott's Team, who himself had the third most points in the FFFL. Tough schedule pull, Scottie-Otto!
Start of the Week: Saquon Barkley
WHAT A COMBEBACK STORY FOR MY MAN, SAQUADS! After going through some rough injuries over the past three seasons, Saquon came into the season fully healthy, fully ready, and FULLY SLEPT ON. The big man proved all of that in a HUGE way, posting the 4th highest overall point total and highest running back point total of the week with 33.4 fantasy points (no other RB scored above 27).
The Saquon and Justin Jefferson combination could be a scary 1-2 punch for The "B" Team moving forward, if (BIG ASS IF) they can remain healthy. Seeing Saquon back in full form really reminded me of the way Connor used to run through the would-be arm tackles of Miles, Mike, myself, and all others during those crispy October evenings in Cuba, IL. Connor, I know we were forced to trim you from the league. This is totally NOT me feeling bad for that and hence comparing you to one of the most physically imposing running backs in the current NFL landscape. TOTALLY NOT (*Anthony whisper voice*: i'm so sorry I hope you know I love you like family, you also don't have access to this so i don't know why i'm addressing you personally but i am a people pleaser and will do anything to make up for the harms i've caused others).
The "Scott McAdams' Cartwheel" Dud of the Week: The Dallas Cowboys Fantasy Players
The Cowboys were supposed to have a good offense, RIGHT? Dak is fully healhty again and is at the helm of an uptempo, high-powered offense, RIGHT? CeeDee Lamb is supposed to have a breakout season as their only true WR1, RIGHT? Zeke has looked like his old, explosive self in training camp and is going to return to form, RIGHT? WRONG TIMES FOUR! While the three of these players may be on three separate fantasy teams, they combined for a WEAK 16.3 fantasy points, resulting in losses for all three managers who drafted them. This Cowboys team immediately looked like they were about to be a headache for the entire 2022 season, and then Dak went and broke his hand. I'm deeply sorry to all managers who have stock in this team, as I feel like we'll be seeing them in this category multiple times over the next handful of weeks.
Oh, and if you're wondering why this award is named after a Scott McAdams cartwheel, just reach out to Miles' fiance, Laura. She's got a story for you that involves (large amounts of) red wine, tumbling, front lawns, and a very confused next-door neighbor. There might even be a video to confirm her recollection. Here's a lil' snippet:
"Razor Thin" Matchup of the Week Brought to You by Razor Scooters
Folks of the FFFL, I have some tragic news. Nair™ has unfortunately BACKED OUT as sponsor of the FFFL blog, leaving me to desperately grasp at straws ALL WEEK for a new sponsor. You see, apparently Nair™ thought this blog was run by Miles, who they believed used their product to keep his head smoothly bald twice a week. I got real cocky during one of my weekly Zoom meetings with Nair™ and decided to turn on my webcam. BAD IDEA. "Who are you?" they exclaimed!!! "What's that gorgeous mane of hair doing on your head?" they shrieked!!! Do you even USE OUR PRODUCTS?" they yelled!!! Alas, I was DROPPED yet again by a shaving company for the second time in two years. My heart was broken. I cried into my cat's belly every night for 3 weeks. THEN, I HAD AN EPIPHANY. Shaving isn't the only industry that's on a RAZOR'S EDGE! So I called up Razor Scooters™, showed them the video below (that's me, shredding on a Razor Scooter™ a few years ago), and they JUMPED AT THE OPPORTUNITY TO PARTNER WITH THE FFFL. Everyone be on the lookout for a brand new RAZOR SCOOTER™ to arrive on your front porch, free or charge!!!!
Okay, so maybe you won't actually be getting a Razor Scooter™, but three of the five matchups in week 1 of the FFFL came down to RAZOR THIN margins of victory. Miles took down Mowdoggs, Nathan beat Jiller, and Kevin squeaked past Clint by a combined margin of just 10 points. The real barn-burner of the bunch, though, was Nathan's victory over Jill's Team, which was won by ONLY 0.58 FANTASY POINTS. A sack late in the Monday night game by Nathan's D/ST squeezed him over the top. I'm so sorry, Jiller, what an awful way to lose week 1 😡
The "Every Coach Anthony Has Ever Had" Award for leaving a great player on the bench: Icarus backup RBs
I'm NOT going to get into the title of this award. I DON'T wanna talk about it. ALL I'M GONNA SAY IS Canton High School's athletic records would look a HELLUVA LOT BETTER if... OH WHO AM I KIDDING I WAS 5'9" 115 POUNDS PLAYING WIDE RECEIVER AND SHOOTING GUARD, WHY DID YOU LET ME PLAY SPORTS, MOTHER????
For this award's sake, let's just pretend that I was an absolute MONSTER, and my coaches were all too THICK-SKULLED to notice it. Yeah, let's do that. In the case of the FFFL, then, the Shannon Pritchard of Week 1 was Clint "Icarus" Coleman," who was completely HOSED by Cam Akers' pitiful zero-point performance. It's made worse by, sitting on his bench were two W1 fantasy superstars in Kareem Hunt (23 points) and Jamaal Williams (16 points). DEVASTATINGLY, starting either of those two over Akers would've resulted in a W for Clint. Sad! This is also the last time I will ever compare myself to Kareem Hunt, and I'm deeply apologetic that I ever did so in the first place. Big yikes.
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That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please feel free to leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future blog posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET ahead of tonight's Thursday night game!
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