2022 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 1

GREETINGS FINE FOLKS OF THE FAMILY FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE! I am MORE THAN PLEASED to welcome you all back to the FFFL blog for our first of many season-long weekly updates written by yours truly (*commissioner curtsy*). I hope the following content makes you as PROUD TO KNOW ME as Kevin is PROUD TO DISPLAY HIS TROPHY.

The "Gram's Potato Salad" Delicious Lineup of the Week Award: Michael's Team, 155.9 points

What a year this man is having, are you KIDDING ME!?!? To kick things off, the man gets married in June at an absolutely stunning wedding (WELCOME TO DA FAMILY, MIKE!), then, mere hours later, there's a professional dancing duo at his wedding reception (has anyone figured out why those two dancers looked so much like Miles and Anthony, by the way? Just really strange, the resemblance was UNCANNY!)??? Then, just spoil Michael's 2022 even further, big bud comes out and drops a 155-burger on the FFFL, asserting his dominance by posing intimidatingly atop the league standings at the end of Week 1. NOBODY SHOULDA LET THIS MAN PLAY THIS SEASON, HE'S GOT TOO MUCH SWAGGER RIGHT NOW. In fact, I heard a rumor that he set his lineup while wearing the very tuxedo he was married in??? 

Anyway, we let Michael get away with snagging the hometown special connection of both Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce on his squad, who together combined for 61 fantasy points (the best QB-pass-catcher combo of W1). Rounding out his week was a 17 point performance from FLEX Jaylen Waddle and a combined 27 points from his kicker and D/ST duo. 

Toss 'em all together and Big Mike dropped a ROBUST 155.9 fantasy points against Scott's Team, who himself had the third most points in the FFFL. Tough schedule pull, Scottie-Otto!

Start of the Week: Saquon Barkley

WHAT A COMBEBACK STORY FOR MY MAN, SAQUADS! After going through some rough injuries over the past three seasons, Saquon came into the season fully healthy, fully ready, and FULLY SLEPT ON. The big man proved all of that in a HUGE way, posting the 4th highest overall point total and highest running back point total of the week with 33.4 fantasy points (no other RB scored above 27). 

The Saquon and Justin Jefferson combination could be a scary 1-2 punch for The "B" Team moving forward, if (BIG ASS IF) they can remain healthy. Seeing Saquon back in full form really reminded me of the way Connor used to run through the would-be arm tackles of Miles, Mike, myself, and all others during those crispy October evenings in Cuba, IL. Connor, I know we were forced to trim you from the league. This is totally NOT me feeling bad for that and hence comparing you to one of the most physically imposing running backs in the current NFL landscape. TOTALLY NOT (*Anthony whisper voice*: i'm so sorry I hope you know I love you like family, you also don't have access to this so i don't know why i'm addressing you personally but i am a people pleaser and will do anything to make up for the harms i've caused others).  

The "Scott McAdams' Cartwheel" Dud of the Week: The Dallas Cowboys Fantasy Players

The Cowboys were supposed to have a good offense, RIGHT? Dak is fully healhty again and is at the helm of an uptempo, high-powered offense, RIGHT? CeeDee Lamb is supposed to have a breakout season as their only true WR1, RIGHT? Zeke has looked like his old, explosive self in training camp and is going to return to form, RIGHT? WRONG TIMES FOUR! While the three of these players may be on three separate fantasy teams, they combined for a WEAK 16.3 fantasy points, resulting in losses for all three managers who drafted them. This Cowboys team immediately looked like they were about to be a headache for the entire 2022 season, and then Dak went and broke his hand. I'm deeply sorry to all managers who have stock in this team, as I feel like we'll be seeing them in this category multiple times over the next handful of weeks. 

Oh, and if you're wondering why this award is named after a Scott McAdams cartwheel, just reach out to Miles' fiance, Laura. She's got a story for you that involves (large amounts of) red wine, tumbling, front lawns, and a very confused next-door neighbor. There might even be a video to confirm her recollection. Here's a lil' snippet: 

"Razor Thin" Matchup of the Week Brought to You by Razor Scooters

Folks of the FFFL, I have some tragic news. Nair™ has unfortunately BACKED OUT as sponsor of the FFFL blog, leaving me to desperately grasp at straws ALL WEEK for a new sponsor. You see, apparently Nair™ thought this blog was run by Miles, who they believed used their product to keep his head smoothly bald twice a week. I got real cocky during one of my weekly Zoom meetings with Nair™ and decided to turn on my webcam. BAD IDEA. "Who are you?" they exclaimed!!! "What's that gorgeous mane of hair doing on your head?" they shrieked!!! Do you even USE OUR PRODUCTS?" they yelled!!! Alas, I was DROPPED yet again by a shaving company for the second time in two years. My heart was broken. I cried into my cat's belly every night for 3 weeks. THEN, I HAD AN EPIPHANY. Shaving isn't the only industry that's on a RAZOR'S EDGE! So I called up Razor Scooters™, showed them the video below (that's me, shredding on a Razor Scooter™ a few years ago), and they JUMPED AT THE OPPORTUNITY TO PARTNER WITH THE FFFL. Everyone be on the lookout for a brand new RAZOR SCOOTER™ to arrive on your front porch, free or charge!!!! 

Okay, so maybe you won't actually be getting a Razor Scooter™, but three of the five matchups in week 1 of the FFFL came down to RAZOR THIN margins of victory. Miles took down Mowdoggs, Nathan beat Jiller, and Kevin squeaked past Clint by a combined margin of just 10 points. The real barn-burner of the bunch, though, was Nathan's victory over Jill's Team, which was won by ONLY 0.58 FANTASY POINTS. A sack late in the Monday night game by Nathan's D/ST squeezed him over the top. I'm so sorry, Jiller, what an awful way to lose week 1 😡

The "Every Coach Anthony Has Ever Had" Award for leaving a great player on the bench: Icarus backup RBs

I'm NOT going to get into the title of this award. I DON'T wanna talk about it. ALL I'M GONNA SAY IS Canton High School's athletic records would look a HELLUVA LOT BETTER if... OH WHO AM I KIDDING I WAS 5'9" 115 POUNDS PLAYING WIDE RECEIVER AND SHOOTING GUARD, WHY DID YOU LET ME PLAY SPORTS, MOTHER???? 

For this award's sake, let's just pretend that I was an absolute MONSTER, and my coaches were all too THICK-SKULLED to notice it. Yeah, let's do that. In the case of the FFFL, then, the Shannon Pritchard of Week 1 was Clint "Icarus" Coleman," who was completely HOSED by Cam Akers' pitiful zero-point performance. It's made worse by, sitting on his bench were two W1 fantasy superstars in Kareem Hunt (23 points) and Jamaal Williams (16 points). DEVASTATINGLY, starting either of those two over Akers would've resulted in a W for Clint. Sad! This is also the last time I will ever compare myself to Kareem Hunt, and I'm deeply apologetic that I ever did so in the first place. Big yikes.  

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That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please feel free to leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future blog posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET ahead of tonight's Thursday night game!

2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 9

Who Won the Week?: Jiller's Team

6 straight wins? Check.

125+ fantasy points in 4 out of the last 5 weeks? Check. 

Second most points in the FFFL? Check. 

FIRST FREAKING PLACE???? MAJOR CHECK!

Here's a picture of Jiller with a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator in Las Vegas from 2010!! I don't need a reason, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME???? SHE'S IN FIRST PLACE!!!!!!

Jiller's team is on an absolute onslaught, and although her recent tear may have usurped my standing at first place, I GUESS I have no choice but to be excited for this mother of mine. For the first few weeks of the FFFL season, it'd been her stacked WR corps that were piling up the points, with her first round pick, Jonathan Taylor, lagging behind a bit. But over the last 4 weeks, the only player with more fantasy points than Taylor is Cooper Kupp.

I mean, get real here, Jiller's WRs are so good that her second round pick, Stefon Diggs, is actually the fourth best receiver on her team. That's depth, honey. Ever heard of it? 

Let's hear it for Jiller's Team, one of the "FFFL original 5" who's never had a taste of that sweet, sweet trophy (unless you count hoarding it in her closet because she's too cheap to ship that beauty to the west coast). Perhaps the year she gave up on the "It's My Year!" moniker will actually prove to be her year. Modesty goes a long way, Mary Jill. 

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: Miles vs. Scott

A near Chicago Bears comeback win on Monday Night Football fueled a CrabCakes&Football (THAT'S WHAT MARYLAND DOES!) comeback against his own father, ending in the slimmest margin of victory the FFFL has seen since 2019, when Nathan beat Kevin by just 0.12 in the 2019 season. 

Going into MNF, Miles' squad was done, his final score at 97.66 points, while Scott sat at 89.74 points with the Steelers D/ST yet to play. While Pittsburgh's D initially had Scott ahead, with each Bears score, his lead dwindled. Watching their matchup live on Yahoo was almost as fun as watching Justin Fields become the next Johnny Unitas in front of our very eyes, as Da Bears final TD sunk Scott's defense down to 7 fantasy points, giving Miles a 0.92 point lead, one that he'd never give back to Scottie-Otto. 

Only two things could've made this victory sweeter for Miles: a Bears victory or a Matt Nagy firing. Unfortunately, neither happened. 

Oh yeah, I guess I should mention that Nair has officially stopped sponsoring this award due to my lack of recent write-ups. But guess what, I'm gonna keep using their likeness. The award just sounds better with a sponsor attached. What're they gonna do, sue me??? 

Start of the Week: Pat Freiermuth, Hawt Garbage

I'm gonna start calling Nathan's team "Cold Valuables" because, at 5-4 and 5th in the standings, dude has been the opposite of "Hawt Garbage." 

What's something that's cold and valuable? I am stumped and can only think of things in your freezer, like popsicles or ice cream. Hit the comments with the most valuable cold stuff you can think of. 

Anyway, Nathan's biggest DRUMSTICK of the week was Steeler's tight end Pat Freiermuth (still can't decide if this is a cool last name or a horrible last name), whose two touchdowns and 18.8 fantasy points ranked him as Week 9's best fantasy tight end. All this from a dude who Nathan drafted, dropped, then picked up again. The ride ain't always smooth to the top, is it FREIERMUTH? (Okay, it's a really bad last name. I only added the photo below so I could ensure I was spelling it correctly.) 

Dud of the Week: Patrick Mahomes, Alan's Awesome Team

There were lots of Week 9 letdowns that could've ended up with this award, but Alan, when you take a QB with the first overall pick, that QB is SIMPLY NOT ALLOWED to score less than 20 points a week, something this man Patrick has done in three straight weeks. 

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH PATRICK MAHOMES? 

Is he keeping an injury from us? Did NFL defenses figure him out? Is it because he has a new baby at home? Is it because Michael was mad he didn't get to draft his hometown quarterback so he sprinted to Patrick's Kansas City home and Tonya Harding'ed him in order to sabotage Alan's team out of spite? 

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE!!!!!

Whatever it is, figure it out, Patrick. We miss your beautiful curly locks, your no-look touchdown tosses, and your fantasy football dominance. 

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Chicago D/ST, Scott's Team

Remember a few blurbs ago when we discussed Miles winning by 0.92 points because of Scott's defense? Turns out, Scott also had the Bears defense rostered, leaving them on the BENCH in favor of Pittsburgh's D. Scott must like the "Steel Curtain" nickname more than the "Monsters of the Midway," but bad taste ALLLLLWAAYYYYYS comes back to bite ya, doesn't it? Chicago's D/ST ended the night with 11 fantasy points, a total that, had he started them, would've vaulted Scott into a 3+ point victory. 

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. 

I would like to take a moment to announce that Nair representatives are now in my home as I write this. Apparently they did indeed sue me (your legal team is very swift), and things are NOT looking good for my bank account or my ability to freely walk the earth. If I'm locked up tonight, I nominate Alan as new commissioner, seeing as he has the best handle of the league technology. 

Waiver Claim of the Week: Hunter Renfrow, Mowdoggs

I'm not even gonna touch on the Henry Ruggs stuff (ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SIX MILES PER HOUR!?!??!?!?!??!?!? I get scared when I drive 62 mph!!!), but the Raiders' "next man up" philosophy has Hunter Renfrow lookin' like a nice rest-of-season piece in Las Vegas. 

The Mowdoggs thought so, too, snagging Renfrow for $0 before his name got too hot, a move that this injury-riddled team needed badly. With DeAndre Hopkins hurting, Renfrow could prove to be a valuable every-week WR2 until Nuk's back at full strength. 

Looking ahead: 

Can Jiller (6 straight) and Miles (3 straight) keep their hot streaks alive against Michael and Mowdoggs, respectively? 

We've got a Coleman Bowl, as Alan takes on Clint in a "loser goes home" matchup!

Will Scott twist the dagger in his nephew and former league king's wound, forcing him further down the totem? 

Fantasy football is truly the best!!!!!

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That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET.

2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 5

I know, I know, I missed a week. I messed up. I let you all down. It kills me inside to know that you didn't receive your weekly serotonin boost via your lovely commissioner's articulate takes on the FFFL. But worry not! I'm back! I'm alive! I'm well! I was not "taken care of" by the Coleman Fantasy Football Crime Syndicate!  

We're five weeks in and the FFFL is as tight as ever. No undefeated teams, no winless teams. Two high scoring pharmacists, one low-scoring pharmacist (sorry, Clint 😕). Two 2-3 McAdamses. Two 2-3 Hobbs/Doggses. The great news is that everyone I mentioned (and everyone I did not!!!) still have a shot at that trophy that Jiller refuses to ship to the west coast. Speaking of that trophy hoarder...

Who Won the Week?: Jill's Team

...she must've rubbed that trophy like a genie's lamp, cause Jiller went absolutely OTHERWORLDLY this week with her squad. Jill's Team blew up for the highest scoring total of the season, and was only 4 points behind the highest scoring total in FFFL history (for the historians in the chat, that honor belongs to one Ethan Blomberg, you know him well, who scored 188 points in Week 5 of the 2014 inaugural FFFL season). Looking down her roster, her only miss was on Stefon Diggs, who still gave her a NOT HORRIBLE 7.9 points. Otherwise, we've got total MAGIC across the board here... 

37 from Brady... HOUDINI!

25 from Ja'Marr... COPPERFIELD!

30 from Taylor... I

22 from Robinson.... DON'T

19 from Knox... KNOW

26 from Evans... ANY MORE FAMOUS MAGICIANS!!!!!!!!!!

Jill needed the big win, vaulting her squad up to 3rd place and the third highest cumulative scoring total on the season. The scary thing is... her optimal lineup, which would've included Hollywood Brown's 29 points left on the bench, would've been 200+ points for the first time in league history!!! Now, mother, go celebrate your big week with 29 straight days off of work, I'm sure your DAUNTING schedule allows for it. 

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: NO ONE!

I'll keep this one short and sweet because there were NO close matchups in Week 5! I believe that, for the first time since this award's existence, The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week, will go to no one! I think the Oscars should do this sometimes. Remember that year when they gave Best Picture to Green Book? If that's the best movie of the year, maybe just don't give an award to anyone? Wow, I truly love movies. Last night I watched a movie about a possessed, murderous child's doll named Annabelle. Why did I do that? 

Start of the Week: Jonathan Taylor, Jill's Team

I may have run out of famous magician references but I am NOT tired of talking about Jonathan Taylor! On the first drive of last week's MNF game, this dude (who's been preeeeeeeeetttttttttyyyy disappointing for a first round pick, am I wrong, Jiller?) took a screen pass 76 yards TO THE HOUSE. At this point, Jill's Team was already up by 490 points, but JT and JE both needed a game like this for their confidence. 

Dud of the Week: Stefon Diggs, Jill's Team 

OKAY I KNOW I WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT JILLER'S TEAM BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? IT WAS A HISTORIC WEEK FOR HER. NOW IF ONLY HER SECOND ROUND PICK WOULD START ACTING LIKE ONE. 

After finishing as last year's WR1 in fantasy, Stefon Diggs has yet to TRULY pop off this year. Sure, his lowest scoring total is 7.9, but that's UNACCEPTABLE from a second rounder. I hope he starts to feel the pressure from Hollywood Brown, who's gotta be nipping at his heels of Diggs' starting position by now. 

Jiller, do the genie's lamp thing on the trophy again, but this time, chant... 

STEFON

STEFON

STEFON

STEFON

...okay now I'm thinking about the seance in that scary movie again and I'm VERY FAR AWAY FROM MY MOTHER. 

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Connor's whole bench

Connor, as I present this award to you, I feel for you. I see the teardrop running down your cheek. I see the twinkle in your eye that says, "what on earth else was I supposed to do, Anthony?" And the honest answer is... nothing. You started the right people (the crowd starts cheering). You made the right calls (crowd's getting louder). YOU MADE THE TOUGH CALLS THAT FFFL MANAGERS MUST (THE CROWD IS ROARING)!!! YOU MADE YOUR FAMILY PROUD (THE CROWD ERUPTS INTO THE WAVE)!!!! 

But then a couple of your studs were just really, really bad (crowd goes silent....).

Saquon got hurt, so we can't be too mad at him, but 11 total points from Scary Terry and Hooked on a Thielen? 

THEY deserve this award, NOT you. Walk out of here with your HEAD HELD HIGH (*Connor jumps off the stage, crowd surfing as the stadium chants CONNOR'S CHOICE TEAM! CONNOR'S CHOICE TEAM! CONNOR'S CHOICE TEAM!*)

Waiver Claim of the Week: Darell Williams & Kadarius Toney, Icarus

Clint's not 1-4 due to lack of trying, as the dude continues to make solid waiver wire add after solid waiver wire add. This time, Icarus flew JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF DISTANCE AWAY FROM THE SUN, snagging new Chiefs RB1 Darell Williams and a super fun, productive rookie WR in Kadarius Toney. For good measure, Icarus even grabbed Devontae Booker, who will fill at for Saquon Barkley while he recovers from an ankle injury. Clint has made the most of a team that's been ravaged by injuries (his third round pick, Gus Edwards, tore his ACL before the season even began). I'm rootin for ya, and not just because I'm scared of your mafia family. 

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That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET.

2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 3

I'm currently watching The Sopranos for the first time ever (I know, I know, I'm about 20 years late here...), and leading man Tony Soprano is known for referring to his "mob boss" occupation as "waste management." It's the perfect cover-up. If Tony has to off someone? Let's call it "waste reduction." Tony's gotta pin a crime on someone else? "Environmental cleanup." It's truly genius. He's hiding in plain sight. GO TONY!!!! (We also share the same first name, despite me being zero percent Italian, which Mowdoggs' recent "23 and Me" results instantly confirmed.)

"Where's he going with this? What does this have to do with the FFFL?"

I'm getting there, people. Trust me, I'm about to blow your mind. 

I've figured it out -- Kevin Coleman is the Tony Soprano of fantasy football. Sure, sure, ask anyone you know, and Kevin's a pharmacist at HyVee in Canton. But, if the last 3 weeks have anything to show, I think he's more of a "pharmacist" than a pharmacist. 

In true Soprano fashion, Kevin is actually a fantasy football expert, the HyVee Pharmacy stockroom filled with 16 TVs, all showing last week's game tape from every game, every angle, Kevin watching intently while he's "filling prescriptions" and "taking inventory." OH PLEASE, KEVIN. There's no shame in admitting it. In fact, it even won you an award this week! Which brings me to... 

Who Won the Week?: The UNIT

As if first place (for the first time in his FFFL career!) and most points scored wasn't enough of a combo, KC had to come through with the smack-talk text to end all smack-talk texts, putting the whole FFFL on notice of his team's recent domination. The UNIT continues to ride Cooper Kupp's unreal start to the season, posting three straight games of 20+ fantasy points, ranking as fantasy's number one WR across the board. The rest of the UNIT squad didn't disappoint either, with his lowest scoring skill player, Joe Mixon (9.9 points) still nearly hitting 10 points. 

So, yeah, Kevin, I'm onto you. And now we'll ALLLLLLLLLL know that the next time you say you're "helping a customer," that really just means you're about to kick your FFFL opponent's ass.

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: Icarus vs. Connor

After Week 1 saw close matchups across the board, Weeks 2 and 3 have seen blowouts far and wide, leaving some teams writhing in pain while others laugh in the face of danger, HA HA HA HA! 

Our only close matchup of Week 3 wasn't so close until Connor's Cowboy Combo (new team name idea!!!!) went crazy on Monday Night Football, turning a 55 point deficit into a 4 point one, which is where the final score landed. Clint's real MVP was Josh Allen, who turned in a 37 point performance on Sunday, good for the highest individual point total of Week 3. Connor should consider himself quite lucky, as a comeback win may not have been taken lightly by Clint, a suspected captain in the Coleman fantasy football mafia. Clint may have had to take Connor out back to "count some pills" if you know what I mean....

Start of the Week: Mike Williams, Miles

Miles needed a W about as badly as Justin Fields needed a 6th offensive lineman on Sunday -- one of the two got what they wished for, and the other had a total of 68 passing yards. I was beginning to think that Miles's recent move to NYC meant his fantasy team had become the Jets, but a big performance from the Crab Cakes squad finally has him in the win column, with his late round WR Mike Williams leading the way. Through three weeks, the Chargers wideout, who Miles snagged in round eight of the FFFL draft, is the second-highest fantasy point-scoring WR (behind that man up there in blue and yellow). That man has more value than a 24 pack of Charmin in April 2020. Williams kept his foot on the gas pedal this week, leading Miles's team in scoring on their way to a 70 point throttling of Michael's Team (sorry, Mike, just reporting the news over here). 

Dud of the Week: Tyreek Hill, Mowhobbs

Well.... well.... well........ OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN. Alan, another suspected captain of the Coleman fantasy football mafia, tossed cold water on Jena's scorching hot start this week, giving the Mowhobbs their first loss of the FFFL season. After the loss, if Jena is looking to place blame, she can look no further than fifth overall pick Tyreek Hill, who scored only 7 points this week after a measly 4 point performance last week. Three weeks in, and the almighty Kansas City Chiefs haven't looked quite like themselves yet, and an underwhelming start to the year from Tyreek is a big reason why. 

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Jiller's whole bench

I feel genuinely bad for giving my own mother on this award on back-to-back weeks, but Jiller, this is about you, not me. In a way, this is almost a blessing in disguise (I know it doesn't feel that way but I'm just trying to make you feel better, ok?). Having SO MANY STARTABLE options at both WR and RB is a good thing... but only if you guess correctly each week, which Jiller has yet to do. 

Week 1: leaves Ja'Marr Chase (18 points) and DJ Chark (16 points) on the bench while Mike Evans scores 3 points. 

Week 2: Leaves Marquise Brown on the bench, wins this award

Week 3: Leaves 43 combined points on the bench between James Robinson and Ja'Marr Chase, starts McKissic and Brown who combine for 11 points  

The good news is... your team is MAD DEEP. And one of these weeks, you're going to guess CORRECTLY. And unless you're playing Tony Soprano, cough, OOPS, cough, I MEAN KEVIN COLEMAN, you'll win big that week! I trust that'll happen in Week 4 😀 

Waiver Claim of the Week: Chuba Hubbard, Michael

Listen, we don't celebrate injuries here at the FFFL, but we do celebrate REACTIONS to injuries, and Michael had a good one. While the $35 price tag might've been steep, Mike'll get 2 to 4 weeks of solid RB fill-in play, and while Chuba may not put up a 30-burger-McCaffery-special each week, consistent running backs are dang-near impossible to find on the waiver wire. Safe to say Michael needed a pick-me-up after his hometown Chiefs AND his fantasy team went down to 1-2. Big ups, Mike. 

Looking ahead:

Week 4 should be a fun one, with two 2-1 vs. 2-1 matchups in Anthony vs. Nathan and Kevin Soprano vs. Connor. We'll also see another fun parent-child matchup, as Mowdoggs take on Scott's Team in a battle for the best hay bale at the next Weenie Roast. 

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That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET.

The UNIT atop FFFL standings; addresses his inferiors

"With The UNIT being in first place during the regular season for the first time in my six years of participating in the FFFL, an obvious and temporary tear in the space time continuum, I would by suggestion of our fearless commissioner take a moment to say a few words. 

What to say; What to say; to be magnanimous, poignant, brief (too late), to take full measure of this platform that I’ve so decidedly earned. So with very little thought or deliberation here goes. As I peer down from my lofty position I can’t help but think how proud Jim and Ann Coleman must be witnessing “The Coleman Mafia” going 3 and 0 in week three and their favorite son reigning supreme. Especially since two of the three members of the aforementioned mafia has trouble logging onto the FFFL website each week. However me being in first may be an indication that some of you may need to work harder. Now I’m sure Conner will right everything in the universe this coming week but until then please no eye contact! Thanks you for attention and I truly enjoy our  time together in the FFFL. The Unit signing off. ps. my apologies to any Hall of Fame English teachers that may have to read this."

        - The UNIT, Kevin Coleman

2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 2

Who Won the Week?: Mowhobbs

Y'all knew this was coming. Mowhobbs had already sealed their fate as the winner of the week following their Week 2 win over Miles, but Jena TWISTED THAT DAGGER a full 360 degrees with a SAVAGE, FIERCE, FEROCIOUS smack-talk text to the group chat, her second callout in as many weeks (I realize that is graphic imagery, but as the receiver of said Week 1 text, I stand by my description). Now, this wasn't any regular, old smack-talk. This text message had puns, emojis, a direct callout, and a reference to a late 1960s jam. I like to think this is how Shakespeare might shit-talk if he were in our fantasy league. 

While there were a few wins this week by huge margins, Jena's win of this variety vaulted her into first place, sitting pretty at 2-0 with the frontrunner for MVP quarterbacking her squad. Also, when did Gronk get his mojo back? Maybe a full offseason in Tampa allowed him to settle in, find his favorite Hooters location, and really focus on football. 

Nathan proposed a new weekly segment called "Jena's Jugular Jab of the Week," and the way her squad's been playing, we might just see that come to fruition. Watch out Alan, you're in the Mowhobbs crosshairs for Week 3.  

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: The McAdams Sibling Rivalry

We're only 2 weeks in, and Jiller may have to visit a shrink ASAP. In Week 1, she had to deal with the Canton Pharmacist Matchup, and in Week 2, it's the McAdams Sibling Rivalry Matchup. Heavy stuff, Jiller, NOW HOW'S THAT MAKE YOU FEEL???? While she may have narrowly escaped the Pill Counter Bowl with a victory, she didn't have quite the same luck in the Scottie-Otto 500, as Scott and Lamar Jackson (that flip was pretty sweet, eh?) came roaring back on Monday Night Football to squeak out a 6-point victory, our closest matchup of the week. 

Hey Uncle Scott, do you shave your legs? Cause you just won a FREE 6-month supply of Nair™ Bladeless Shave Whipped Creme Lavender Oil Hair Remover!!!!!!!!!

Start of the Week: Derrick Henry & Aaron Jones, Mowdoggs & The UNIT

 After combining to score a total of 12.4 fantasy points last week, this pair of first round RBs made like Dennis Rodman and rebounded in a HUGE way, combining for 83.2 points in Week 2. The result: two GARGANTUAN victories for their owners, as Mowdoggs won by 55 points and Kevin's The UNIT won by 77 points. These two teams may both be sitting at 1-1, but they're number one and two in total points scored this season, thanks to Henry and Jones. 

This also gives us a fun little wrinkle to look forward to in the week ahead, as these two studs (and I ain't talkin' Derrick and Aaron 😉) are matched up against one another in Week 3. This one's got SHOOTOUT written all over it!

Dud of the Week: Jameis Winston, Michael, & Alvin Kamara, Miles

Remember all that nice stuff I said about Jameis Winston and Michael last week??? Well, I don't take back the stuff I said about Michael, cause you're a good dude and I don't want to get uninvited to your wedding, but Jameis, my compliments have been REVOKED. After you and your stud RB (do you think Kamara is the only NFL player to ever share a name with a chipmunk? ...I digress) throttled the Packers 38-3 last week, you come back and put up a lowly 7-burger on the Panthers? Jameis somewhat saved his fantasy day with a late rushing TD, bringing his total to 10.34 points. Meanwhile, last season's top-fantasy-points-scoring-player-that-isn't-a-quarterback touched the ball a baffling 9 times, turning them into 5 measly fantasy points. Maybe Kamara's leg hair is a bit too long, hindering his aerodynamics. Yo, Uncle Scott, small favor... maybe you can talk to Sean Payton about getting some Nair™ in the Saints locker room?

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Hollywood Brown, Jiller

You came through for her BIGTIME in Week 1, so how did she treat you in Week 2, Hollywood? BENCHED FOR A ROOKIE, HOLLYWOOD???? That hurts, Hollywood. You don't deserve that, Hollywood. You deserve someone who LOVES YOU FOR ALL YOU ARE, Hollywood!!!!!!! Had Jiller played you over that rookie, she'd be sitting pretty at 2-0, HOLLYWOOD! Are you gonna STAND FOR THAT, Hollywood!?!?!? I don't wanna tell you have to live your life, Hollywood, but this "will they, won't they" crap you've got going on with Jiller is NOT HEALTHY, Hollywood. Your love language is "starting lineup," and she can't give you that, Hollywood. Request a trade, Hollywood! Maybe to Arctic Chill, Hollywood????

😜

Waiver Claim of the Week: Cordarrelle Patterson, Kevin

After some tough injuries to The UNIT's squad (thanks for nothing Raheem Mostert), Kevin was in dire need of some depth at both RB and WR. In a genius move that cost him $0 of FAAB money, he was able to snag Cordarrelle Patterson of the Falcons, who has positional eligibility at both receiver and running back. Patterson can slide nicely into that FLEX position or can fill in during bye weeks to Kevin's studs at multiple spots. While the OTHER Canton pharmacist made an impressive move of her own in nabbing JD McKissic for $17, the FREE nature of the Patterson claim pushes Kevin's move into awards status. 

Looking ahead:

While I already mentioned that inevitable high-scoring affair between Kevin and Mowdoggs, there are a few highlight-worthy questions to ask when previewing Week 3:

1. Will Jena continue to go for the jugular against Alan?

2. Will parent (Jill) or child (Anthony) walk away victorious in our first parental matchup of the year?

3. Will Miles welcome Michael to the family by letting him win or with a swift ass-kicking? 

We'll be out to find the answers to all these questions, AND MORE, next time, on FFFL!!!!!

That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please feel free to leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future blog posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET ahead of tonight's TNF game!

2021 FFFL Summary & Awards: Week 1

I moved into a new apartment recently. A one bedroom, one bathroom place of my own in Seattle's historic Capitol Hill neighborhood. The place is charming -- it's got original hardwood floors, huge light-flooding windows, and a retro pink bathtub straight outta the 50s. 

I've been having a blast decorating my new home, making it fully my own. I purchased some houseplants, got a brand new comforter, hung art and shelves on the walls. I even splurged on a new sofa -- it's freakin' VELVET. 

But as I was seemingly inching closer and closer to my apartment being fully me, I could feel there was one piece missing. I noticed a an empty space on one of my new shelves, about 10 inches by 10 inches, that was begging for a STATEMENT piece. A piece that was EARNED by its owner. A piece that's TALL and GOLDEN and ORNATE. 

Yes, I am describing the piece that's on your mind. And yes, despite my three-peat, the FFFL trophy has still yet to grace the hallowed halls that are my Seattle dwellings. BUT, before you ask why, allow me to let you in on a little secret... I don't want it here. Not having it here keeps me HUNGRY. Keeps me STRIVING FOR GREATNESS. Keeps me WRITING THESE RECAPS. 

If I were basking in that trophy's aura as I wrote this recap today, I'd be far too comfortable. Much too content. Overly complacent. 

So, no Jiller, don't ship me that trophy. Allow me to look deeply at that empty spot, gathering dust on my shelf, as my stomach rumbles for success... as my soul yearns to write you the best damn weekly writeup you've ever read...

LET'S GO!!!!!!

Who Won the Week?: Connor's Choice Team

First and foremost, let's all give a warm welcome to our newest FFFL member, Connor! Happy to have you, sir. You all may remember Connor as Miles's original plus-one to the annual Weenie Roast, back when the invite list was much more about your ability to run deep post routes in Gram and Coach's backyard than it was about GETTING MARRIED and MOVING TO NEW YORK CITY. Grow up, Miles, check your priorities, man.  

Anyway, Connor was up against a tall task in his first FFFL experience, as he found himself matched up against old pal and former backyard quarterback, Miles. A risky Dak Prescott draft pick paid off bigtime, as brought home 28 points during last Thursday's CLASSIC season-opener vs. Tampa. Adam Thielen also balled out, posting the second highest FLEX scoring total of the week with nearly 26 points. 

While the final score may have been "Close-Call" worthy, Miles was lucky to walk away from this one with such a thin margin, as Connor left two 20+ point, non-QB scorers on his bench. Watch out, ya'll, the FFFL rookie has the Eye of the Tiger.

P.S. I could've easily given this award to Jena, but I had to put the past behind me after the ABOSOLUTE TRAUMA she sent my way via three smack talk texts in one day. I had to take Tuesday off work in order to fully recover.   

The Nair™ Bladeless Shave "CLOSEST Call" Matchup of the Week: Everyone BUT Jena!

This is unprecedented territory in the archives of the FFFL! With FIVE outta SIX matchups in Week 1 being decided by 6 points or less, our friends at Nair had their work cut out for them this go-around. WOW, HOW RUDE OF ME. WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? It seems as though I've forgotten to introduce our sponsor for Matchup of the Week award in 2021, Nair™!!!! The fine folks at Nair™ saw last year's "Close Call" award, and gave me a ring. I wasn't expecting this, but their pitch made a looooooooot of sense. "Why get a close call, when you could get the CLOSEST CALL with Nair™ bladeless shave products?" I was stumped! I simply had no answer! I had to try it for myself! My face truly burns as I'm typing this, but my shave IS LITERALLY THE CLOSEST! Big shoutout to Nair™ for the sponsor, the only catch is, I must include one Nair™ advertisement in each blog post and I must continue to shave with exclusively Nair™ bladeless products until an FFFL Champion is crowned. So, two things, you may see a photo for Nair™ products that seems completely out of place, and you may see extreme chafing on my cheekbones at some point in the 2021/22 FFFL season. 

But really, it was super dope to see a Week 1 that was so competitive across the board! Both Alan and Scott and Nathan and Clint's matchups were decided by less than 2 points each while Michael beat Mowdoggs by less than 3 points. 

The week's only easy win was by Jena, and I DON'T REALLY WANNA TALK ABOUT IT, SO...next award, please!

Start of the Week: Jameis Winston, Michael

Ultimately, a fantasy draft is a series of choices, each made with the idea of potential return-on-investment in mind. Now, when a fantasy draft occurs and these decisions are made under pressure, there's often a number of them that I instinctively, wholeheartedly respect and admire. Usually, waiting until the later rounds to draft a QB will earn praise from me. I was always more of a "take Jay Cutler in the 11th round" guy rather than a "splurge on Peyton in round 2" guy. But, there's waiting on a QB in 2021, then there's WAITING FOR JAMEIS WINSTON UNTIL THE THIRD TO LAST ROUND TO BE THE ONLY QUARTERBACK ON YOUR ENTIRE ROSTER in 2021. So BOLD, Michael, I cannot express to you how excited that made me!!!!!!!!!! 

Now, it'd be one thing if he took this risk and it didn't pay off, but Jameis must've eaten an XXXXL helping of crab legs on Sunday morning, cause dude came out and put up the 4th highest QB scoring total of the week, ahead of guys like Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, Russell Wilson, and Tom Brady. Famous Jameis's 5 spikes spearheaded a big, albeit slim, week one victory over Mowdoggs, propelling Michael to first place and the week's highest team score.

What did you know? I know Uncle Scott has ties to Eastern Illinois -- was he secretly roomies with Sean Payton and he refuses to tell these stories to anyone but his future son-in-law? That must be it. 

Dud of the Week: The Packers offense (Aaron, Davante, & Aaron)

I know this is a league full of Bears fans, so writing this section of the summary was pretty dang fun. But good lord was the Packers offense an abomination on Sunday versus the Saints (SHOUT OUT JAMEIS AND MICHAEL AGAIN, YEET YEET!). Two of these Packers, Aaron Jones and Davante Adams, were both picked in the first round, by Kevin and yours truly, respectively. This duo of Green Bay first-rounders combined to score a whopping total of 11.3 points. Five rounds later, Mowdoggs snagged Aaron Rodgers as the sixth QB off the board. Add in his SCORCHING SUNDAY SCORE of 3.32, and the Packers starting skill players combined total sits at a ROBUST 14.6 fantasy points. Oh, yeah...the owners of each of these players ALL LOST THEIR MATCHUPS. Forget "Greatness," maybe that G stands for GAG!!!!!!!!!!!! Roasted you, Green Bay. 

Really, though, I will giggle profusely if the Packers went 0-17, but could they at least do it while scoring some gosh darn heckin' fantasy points?

“Oh Sh*t, He Was on My Bench!” Award: Gronk, Mowhobbs

*This entire next blurb is to be read as though I am staring down directly at my toes and am refusing to make direct eye contact with any of you because I am terribly, terribly ashamed of my week 1 performance*

JENA COULD HAVE BEATEN ME BY, LIKE, SO MUCH MORE, YOU GUYS. JUST IMAGINE, FOR ONE MOMENT, IF HER TWO WEAKEST STARTERS, TE ROBERT TONYAN AND FLEX JULIO JONES, WERE REPLACED BY GRONK AND ANTONIO BROWN. HER CURRENT 11 POINT VICTORY (WE WENT OVER THIS ALREADY, BUT YES, THE BIGGEST BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK) COULD HAVE BEEN A 52 POINT EMBARRASSMENT! 

Jena, I know I gooned you earlier about all that smack talk, but you 100% deserved every word of it! Can we all agree to channel Jena's energy and talk more s**t this year -- that's what fantasy football is for! Standings don't matter anymore -- the first one to make Miles cry wins the trophy!!!!!

Waiver Claim of the Week: Eli Mitchell, Arctic Chill

I don't want to talk about this a lot because I haven't started him yet and I spent a lot of money on this rookie and that makes me incredibly nervous so it would make me feel a lot better Eli if you'd just go out and score 20 points again this week but maybe this time you'll be in my starting lineup and I can be the one texting smack talk instead of receiving it but we shall see and you have no idea how much stress you're causing this family because Gram was an English teacher and now she's reading this massive run-on sentence and thinking her own grandson doesn't have any sense of grammar and JUST SCORE TOUCHDOWNS OR I'M TRADING YOU. 

💗

That's it for this week, ya'll! I hope you enjoyed the summary and are finding the new blog format cool and fun. Please feel free to leave comments on blog posts below each one! It can be more smack talk, a point I mistakenly left out of the summary, an idea for future blog posts, or a gushing compliment admitting your adoration of my writing skills. I love you all and GET THOSE LINEUPS SET ahead of tomorrow's BOREFEST of a Thursday night game!

Welcome to the FFFL Blog!

"What's that delicious stench in the air...?  Is that Commissioner Anthony...? Is he....cooking something? It can't be, his mom never even taught him what olive oil is!!!! Wait a moment, that IS HIM... and he IS COOKING! That smells delectable, Commish, what is that!?!? And WHERE ON EARTH did you learn how to make that????"

Don't mind me ya'll, I was just cooking up something EXTRA special for the EIGHTH YEAR of our annual Family Fantasy Football League. And... Bon Apetit! Alas! Finally! Hurrah! At long last! Once and for all! THE OFFICIAL FFFL BLOG IS NOW LIVE!

Who's excited!? Who's ready!? Who's 0-1? cough...ANTHONY...cough, cough...What? Sorry. Excuse me, I had a tickle in my throat.

Following each week's matchups, my FFFL matchup recaps and wards will be back and stronger than ever! 

Totally customizable FONTS and COLORS! at my disposal! 

Pics of Mike Ditka (and others, I guess) whenever I'd like to post them! 

The details of our league posted publicly for all of the world to view! Maybe this is a bad idea....

You know what, this was my grand idea and I'm sticking to it. So bookmark it. Make it your homepage. View it on your smartphone. Freaking tweet it out to your followers! 

Keep your eyes peeled on the blog on Sundays for perhaps even some special live updates. I promise to be at least as creative and original as Jill's, Michael's, and Uncle Scott's team names (Alan and Connor, you're a mere adjective away from joining this list, I'm watching you...).  

So set your lineups, people! Pickup a hot free agent! Propose me a trade! Send me 3 texts in one day about how you beat me in Week 1 (I deserved every one of them 😭)! Be ready for this to be your weekly hub for all things FFFL. I can't wait to bring you along for the ride. 

What is Free Agent Auction Bidding (FAAB) and how do I use it??

FAAB stands for “Free-Agent Auction Bidding,” and it means that fantasy managers have a set budget that they can utilize for free agents on the waiver-wire in leagues. Some leagues call it a “blind bid” system because waivers are determined by blind bids each week, as opposed to waiver priority that is determined by other factors. Each team gets a set amount of $100 at the beginning of the season, and managers have to decide how to utilize that budget throughout the year. 

If you wish to pick up a player, you might see that this player has a "W" next to their name, not allowing you to pick them up until a certain date (shown highlighted below). This means that player is on "waivers" until the date specified (in this case September 15), which is a tool used by fantasy leagues to ensure each manager has a fair shot at picking up hot free agents. 

For each player on waivers, there's a "blind auction" style bidding process that happens behind the scenes in order to determine which manager gets to pick up that player when the waiver date is reached. Using your $100, you'll decide how much money you'd like to spend on a free agent (or you don't have to participate in bidding at all, should you like the current state of your team), "bidding" as much as you believe it'll take to outbid your competitors (you can bid anywhere between $0 and the full $100). 

For example, let's say I wanted to pick up Sam Darnold. I'd head to the players page, find Darnold, and click that green arrow next to his name. I'd then select the player already on my team that I'd drop in order to add Darnold (in this case, I'll drop Giovani Bernard). Once I've done that, it'll take me to the screen shown below:

This screen shows you everything you need to know in order to finalize your bid. On the lower left, under "Bid Amount," important things such as "Your Budget," "Waiver Date," and most importantly, "Your Bid" are laid out. Conveniently, all team budgets remaining are shown on the right. 

Using all of this information, make what you believe is a winning bid on the player you hope to claim (in this case, I'm bidding $8). Enter your dollar amount into the "Your Bid" box and hit the big blue button at the bottom of the page.  

On September 15, when this player is officially "off wavers," the silent auction will be conducted, and whichever manager blindly bid the highest dollar amount will receive that player. So, if my $8 was the highest amount bid on Darnold, he'd be awarded to my team. However, if, let's say, Miles bid $10 on Darnold, Miles would win the auction and be awarded the player. 

One thing to remember: try to bid as low as you can while still winning your player. You don't want to bid $60 on a player and then have the next highest bid be $15 -- what a waste that would be! 

Another hot tip: the FAAB process only applies to players on waivers! If the waiver date on a player came and went without that player being bid on, they're free to pick up -- FREE as in $0!

It may seem complicated at first, but I promise, it's the best way to handle free agent pickups! You'll get the hang of it really quickly, don't worry.

At the beginning of the season, when everyone has the full budget, determining a bid amount is difficult. Some managers are cheap with their FAAB money, saving it just in case a big-name player hits waivers late in the season. Others are loose with it, tossing around big bids early in the year to hopefully land that diamond in the rough pickup. The choice is yours -- it's your team!